


Love is bitter

by JustATsunderePotato



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Broken! Yermseul, Did someone say angst?, F/F, Heartbreak, One Shot, Seriously skip this if you don’t want to read angst, angsty angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-14 17:50:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20604851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustATsunderePotato/pseuds/JustATsunderePotato
Summary: Screw feelings.





	Love is bitter

**Author's Note:**

> Heads up: this one shot contains broken! Yermseul and there’s some cussing as well.

Yeri is tired.

She’s tired of feeling.

She’s tired of giving her all to people who don’t deserve it. 

She’s tired of giving love to those who never reciprocate it. 

She’s tired of pretending to be the cool headed woman she shows the rest of the world, acting like she doesn’t need anyone. That she’s a lone wolf.

But underneath the tough exterior is a girl that just wants to be held and loved. Who wants to be reassured that everything was going to be alright, that _she_ was going to be alright and that she was doing the right thing.

Part of her wishes she could just kill off that side of herself. It was a parasite that leeched off of her, taking away more of her each day that passed by, sucking her dry.

Younger Yeri was more innocent. More honest. Some would even say naive. She was a bright eyed kid with big dreams of becoming a star just like Korea’s sweethearts of the age, Girls’ Generation.

That Yeri didn’t last long. She did until she passed the auditions for S.M. Entertainment, but after that, she was gone.

As soon as she signed her life away to the corporation, with her parent’s consent of course, she changed. Whether she liked it or not was irrelevant. It was going to happen regardless. 

That’s just how show business worked.  You had to give some to earn some. And for her, she had to give up a lot: her normal life as a teenage girl, time with her family, and even some friends in the process. 

There was no coddling from the company. They tore her down and built her back up, all in the name of preparing her for the life of an idol.

At least that’s what they claimed. Sometimes it seemed like they just wanted to see the trainees writhe in pain and suffer for their own sick enjoyment.

Despite going through hell, out of all the trainees, Yeri was one of the few that made it. All the grueling dance practices, singing lessons, schooling and multiple nights crying, wondering if she was going to make it or be dropped, paid off.  


The young girl came into the company with a group of other trainees, about twelve others.  At the end of it all, she was the only one from the group that made it through, but not without carrying scars and bruises of her own; both physical and mental.

She had to become tough. The idol world, underneath all the glamor and money, was a dog-eat-dog world. Either you rise to the top and fight to keep your place, or you fall and fail. 

As harsh as it sounds, that’s just reality.

Yeri made it this far in her career living like this. She’s part of a very successful group that has won numerous awards, traveled all around the world, and even got a chance to showcase her song writing talent.  The last one she had to fight for tooth and nail with her own company who consistently rejected her previous offers, stating it wasn’t the “right time.” They were known for being a pain in the ass when it came to allowing their artists to release their original songs, even to their senior artists. In the end, her persistence paid off and she was able to share her gift with the world.

At the moment, it was limited but at least it was a start.

But even though the path she took was long and arduous, all the pain she experienced so far in life was nothing compared to the pain she feels in her chest right now. 

If only she was tougher then maybe she wouldn’t feel so helpless.

The young brunette, eyes red and puffy from crying for hours, hair messed up and practically looking like a bird’s nest from constantly rolling around in bed, stands in front of her desk, arms resting on the table.

She uses the back of her hand to wipe tears away from her cheek; a vain effort since it quickly gets replaced by more tears, blurring her vision.

The current state of her desk reflects the inside of her heart: chaos. It's an absolute disaster. A whole mess. There’s papers scattered everywhere with some even spilling all across the floor, underneath her desk.

But these papers weren’t blank canvasses, waiting to be turned into masterpieces. No. They're scribbles of songs, poems, sad attempts at drawing and various other creations Yeri made.

All inspired by _her_.

The girl with a blinding smile that made her feel energized and ready to take on the world whenever she saw it.

The girl who was kind, warm, and genuine; a breath of fresh air in the entertainment industry where everyone was all smiles in your face but as soon as you turned around, they wouldn't hesitate to stab you in the back.

The girl who made Yeri feel like she still had a living, beating heart; something she thought had died long ago.

The girl she loves so, so much yet wishes she didn’t.

Seulgi.

Yeri bites down on the inside of her lip, not hard enough to draw blood, but with just enough pain to take her mind off of the chaos inside her head and her heart, if only for a moment.

All she knows is that she wants to be rid of it. 

Rid of this emotion. 

Rid of this disease called “love.” 

She wishes it was something she could physically rip out of herself. Like a splinter. It hurt right until you pulled the little piece of wood out of your skin and threw it away then you were free from the pain forever.  Or at least until you stepped on another splinter.

_If only I was a machine_, she thinks. It was easy to delete things on a computer. All you had to do was right click on what you wanted to get rid of, choose the “delete” option, and empty the virtual trash can so you can be rid of it forever.  


Unfortunately dealing with emotions wasn’t that easy no matter how much Yeri wished otherwise.

Love never brought anything good anyway. At least to her. 

She loves her family. Her friends. 

But this kind of love just....never worked out for her.

It was stupid to think that anything good would come out of allowing herself to feel that way towards another person. Especially for someone who was not only her groupmate, but also a friend.  That made things a hundred times more complicated.

It was hard enough being a girl that liked other girls. If Yeri was straight, she could get any guy she wanted in a second even if it went against the so called stupid “rules” of being an idol. All she had to do was bat her eyelashes, smile sweetly, laugh at the right moments in conversation and that would be enough to make any man fall to their knees.

But she wasn’t straight. Far from it. There was no way she could fit into that neat little box like society wanted her to.  


Yeri could never see herself with a man. The mere thought of it made her cringe. 

She could never be like the girls in the movies who got their good endings. The ones who, after overcoming multiple obstacles thrown their way, emerged victorious in the end with the one they love by their side. Who the audience believes lives happily ever after as soon as the end credits start rolling.

There was a reason why she closed herself off from everyone in the first place, taking extra steps to guard her heart, keeping people at a safe distance. 

Can’t get hurt if you don’t allow yourself to get too close to people. That’s what she believed. 

But then Seulgi just had to come along with her bright eyes and infectious smile and turn everything upside down. All the years Yeri spent painstakingly building up the walls around her heart, brick by brick, Seulgi plowed down with ease with all her hugs, kindness, gentle touches, and sweet words.

And Yeri was stupid enough to let it happen. 

She scoffs at herself. How could she let herself become so weak? For a girl no less. There was a reason why she didn’t do feelings in the first place.

No. 

Not after last time.

_Especially_ after last time.

But Yeri just had to be stupid. So goddamn stupid.

She should have tried harder to resist letting those cursed feelings grow. She should have nipped it in the bud; pulled out the stubborn weed before it rooted itself into the ground even further, growing more day by day.

She should have, but she didn’t.

Big mistake.

Seulgi was just too intoxicating. Too sweet. Before Yeri knew it, she found herself doing things on purpose just to get her attention. Teasing her. Playing playful pranks because she gave the best reactions. Finding every excuse in the book to touch her arms, hands, and initiate skinship in general. Buying her gifts for no specific occasion, but just because. Even getting jealous when a man, or woman, gave flirtatious glances at the bear at events, silently fuming in the corner while holding her drink, fighting against the urge to dump the glass over their heads.

That little voice of hope in her head whispered in her ear that maybe everything was going to be alright this time around. Maybe it would all work out in the end. Maybe she would finally get her shot at happiness, the kind that all those sappy romance novels and cheesy movies talked about over and over again.

Maybe. 

Spoiler alert: it didn’t.

Everything went to hell. Much like other parts of her life.

A good ending just wasn’t in the cards for her. 

Maybe it never was.

Maybe she was destined to be alone for the rest of her life; to live out her days in solitude, living her life as quietly as she could. 

If that was the case, she was fine with it.

At least that’s what Yeri keeps telling herself. Saying something and actually believing it were two different things.

She takes a shaky breath as she picks up a yellow piece of paper, edges slightly curled. In the bottom right corner, there’s a image of a certain famous Japanese bear mascot lying down on the ground. It was something she bought in Japan because it reminded her of Seulgi.

Yeri never really paid attention to bears, choosing to focus on unicorns and turtles instead, until her favorite one came into her life. Before she knew it, she would always keep her eye out for bears and bear-related things whenever she was out and about. So when the maknae passed by a shop with stationary kit with paper, two pens, and a cute bear eraser on display, she whipped out her credit card and purchased them immediately. Three of the same kind.

The slightly crinkled piece of paper was full of sickly sweet words she wrote after spending a day with the object of her affections; a mixture of Korean and English. 

Even now, years later, Yeri still remembers it like it happened yesterday. The day they said “screw it” and snuck off to Disneyland together without telling anyone, not even their manager. The little devil didn’t even have to trick Seulgi into going; she was up for the spontaneous adventure and had always wanted to go anyways so why wait? 

It was a day full of fun, laughter, good overpriced food, and screams that were a mixture of both joy and terror while riding all the rides.  They enjoyed a bit more freedom being in the states and didn’t have to worry about getting spotted in public by fans or have reporters following them around, taking pictures and asking invasive questions. It was a nice change of pace. 

What made it even more special was when they watched the fireworks together at the end of the day. The way Seulgi’s eyes widened in wonder as she gazed at the multiple colorful explosions in the sky, some in the shape of certain characters, with cheerful Disney performers dancing everywhere and music blaring over the speakers, how adorable she looked with those iconic Mickey Mouse ears on her head....that moment will always be etched into her memories.

Yeri, feeling a burst of confidence, leaned her head on Seulgi’s shoulder who welcomed the contact, wrapping an arm around the younger girl and thanking her with a kiss on the top of her head that made Yeri want to squeal with glee.

It was the best day of her life.

As soon as they got back to the hotel, tired but content with how they spent the day at the happiest place on earth together, and got a scolding from their manager, they said their good nights and went back to their respective rooms. Yeri went back to her room with a goofy smile, to which Joy inquired about but she just waved her off. 

After changing into her pajamas, she pulled out that bear stationary, set it on the desk, sat down, and wrote all the words that came to her, trying with all her might to capture everything with as much feeling and detail as she could.

Before she knew it, the birds outside were chirping and the sun was shining. It was a new day of exploration and adventure. Another day of seeing all the wonders of Los Angeles.

When asked by Irene why she was yawning so much during breakfast, Yeri just laughed it off, saying she stood up late binge watching conspiracy theories on YouTube.

At the time, she felt on top of the world; a stark contrast to her current state.  


Tears spill forth as she reads another line of the song, huddled over the desk in her room. Some droplets hit the page, causing the words scribbled in ink to smudge.

Yeri planned on singing it for Seulgi back then. Even went into a music shop and bought a guitar despite never playing it before. 

Was it cheesy? Maybe. But even if it was, Yeri didn’t care. It came from the heart and Seulgi liked stuff like that. She had spent months learning the guitar on her own when she could, her fingers sore not only from writing so much, but also from constantly pressing down on the strings. But Yeri didn't mind. She was doing it for the woman she loved.

But there was no need for that now; to continue playing an instrument that no longer had any special meaning to her. 

Just like how there was no need to continue keeping this wretched song in existence.

Within a second, the heartbroken girl rips the paper up with a vigor she never knew she possessed, putting all her strength into destroying it even if she got paper cuts in the process. 

By the time she’s done, she’s breathing heavily, tears rolling down her face, with a pile of yellow strips of paper of various shapes and sizes in front of her.

It felt therapeutic in a way; to destroy a physical remnant of the past. It was as if she was ripping away her feelings for Seulgi, one shred of paper at a time.

If only it were that simple. 

But Yeri continues regardless, picking up another sheet of paper, this time her first real attempt at drawing a bear. The maknae never attempted to draw seriously before Seulgi came into her life. The animal itself was lumpy, misshaped, and honestly looked a little scary, but she made it from the heart, vowing to practice more so she could draw something for her precious person.

No reason to keep that around either. Drawing didn’t seem that fun like it once did anyways.

Within seconds, that drawing gets ripped up as well, joining the growing pile of shredded papers.

After that she rips up another song; one that talked about how much she loved the way Seulgi was so optimistic about everything, how she was her only light in the world, and other cliche sounding things that sounded like something out of badly written fanfiction straight out of the internet. That too joins the rapidly growing pile of trash.

Seconds turned to minutes. Minutes turned to hours. What was once a moderately clean room became a whirlwind of ripped papers, pictures, tears, and broken dreams.

It looks like a tornado came in from the window and decided to rip every single paper to shreds just for the hell of it.  Irene would have a heart attack if she saw the mess.

But Yeri could care less about what she thinks. All she cares about is finding a way to make the pain in her chest stop.

Yeri haphazardly puts on an faded, gray hoodie she kept from her high school years, thrown on the ground and a plain white face mask, not really bothering to coordinate her outfit or make herself look cute like she usually would whenever she went out in public. She grabs her phone, wallet and rushes out of the room, pushing the door open far too harshly than needed.

She walks at a brisk pace from her room to the entryway.

But life just has to be unforgivably cruel because from the corner of her eye, she happens to see Seulgi, looking at her with a look she can’t quite decipher in that fraction of a second, and she feels like she got sucker punched in the gut.

Yeri almost wishes someone did punch her. Physical pain only hurt in the moment. You healed from it within a few days or weeks, depending on the severity of the injury.  But emotional pain....that sticks with you for life.

Suddenly it becomes harder for her to breathe.

_I need to get the hell out out of here_ , Yeri thinks. 

She slips on her shoes and runs out of the door, ignoring questions from the other members and doesn’t look back, using her youthful energy to her advantage.

“Yeri!” an all too familiar voice calls out for her, but that doesn’t make her stop running. It makes her feel like crying more, if anything. 

But she holds it in. Even in this state, she still has some pride.

Thoughts of moving out passes through her mind, but she shakes them out of her head. She can’t think about that right now. Not when she’s so emotional. That would be a battle for another day.

Right now she just wants to get as far away from the dorm, from _her_, as much as she possibly could. 

She wants to escape the place she considered her home. The place that became her prison of memories.

Once Yeri makes it past the security gate onto the street, she hails a cab and gives the taxi driver the address to the furthest mall. 

As she leans her head against the window, looking outside at the blur of buildings and people, she taps on her phone,  mindlessly scrolling through websites of her favorite stores, looking at the various products through their inventory.

Numerous message notifications appear on the top of the screen, asking Yeri what was going on and why she ran out of the dorm in such a hurry.

She mutes them, not wanting to deal with such questions right now.

Yeri knows they’re well meaning but she just  wants to be alone. Is that too much to ask for? 

Her eyes are immediately drawn to the flashy cover art of a new video game that just came out and she taps on the screen, buying the deluxe version of it. It’s forty dollars more expensive than the standard version, but who cares. It’s not like Yeri’s bank account was in the negative. Far from it. She could buy a hundred copies if she really wanted to.

After a few taps, she gets a confirmation screen that says the game is going to arrive the next day. It’s only after she already places her order that Yeri notices the address it’s going to be sent to was her parents’ house instead of the dorm. 

She goes back and is about to cancel the order when an idea pops up in her head. 

Maybe she should stay with her family for a bit. It had been a while since she last went home and spent some good quality time with them. They kept in contact through text messages and video calling due to her busy schedule, but it wasn’t the same.

Going back to the dorm right now didn’t sound appealing anyways. As soon as she’d set foot in the door, there was bound to be at least one person there who would interrogate her. Not to mention she would probably get a scolding and that is the last thing she needed in life right now. Her heart was already in turmoil; she didn’t need to be yelled at in addition to that.

Or maybe she should spend the night in a hotel somewhere. Even if she didn’t have a prior reservation, just mentioning who she was would undoubtedly open up availability.

After thinking about it for a few moments, Yeri shakes her head and decides against it.

No. That would only draw more negative attention to herself. The last thing she needed was some reporter from dispatch snapping a few grainy photos of her coming out of the hotel and an article speculating why she was in a hotel in the first place when she wasn’t even overseas. That trashy company would also probably throw out names of who she was potentially with, adding fuel to the fire.

After taking a few moments to mull it over, Yeri makes her decision. 

Home it is.

But only after she’s done shopping.

Yeri opens up the map application on her phone to see how far she is from the shopping mall. The route towards the mall is an angry red, indicating that the flow of traffic is extremely slow. She might as well get comfortable because, from the looks of things, it was going be a while until she got to her destination.  


On any other day, she would be upset at the current traffic jam, but today she doesn’t mind. The wait time would give her more time to look at more shiny new things to buy.

What a time to be alive. To have the ability to order everything you could ever need or want with a touch of a finger, right to your doorstep. From groceries to a brand new car.

Frivolously spending money is probably not a healthy way to deal with heartbreak, but Yeri doesn’t care. Even if a brand new computer chair, a VR headset, or expensive brand name clothes didn’t fill the empty void in her heart, they would at least distract her from the pain.

All the people who said money can’t buy happiness were a bunch of fucking liars.

It did. 

The catch was that that happiness was fleeting. Temporary. It lasted for a moment and vanished in the next. Gone like the wind, only to be replaced by another shiny new object.

Yeri is fine with that. Even if it did nothing for her in the long run, she didn’t care. At least she’d have something to show for her hard work. Something tangible. Something she could touch. Control.

Not like whirlwind of jumbled up emotions in her heart. She could live without that.

She inadvertently lets out a sob, one that she tried to suppress and keep inside her with all her might, but still managed to slip through her lips against her wishes. 

_Damn it. _

Crying in front of people was already embarrassing enough, but to do it in front of a stranger? Especially one she has going to be stuck in the same car for a while? That was even more humiliating. 

The girl covers her mouth with her hand in an attempt to prevent more sobs from escaping, but another somehow manages to sneak out.

“You okay kid?” the driver, a man probably in his forties or fifties and reminds Yeri of her own father, asks.

Yeri nods, sniffling a little in the process, even though she’s _far_ from okay. Her red eyes and wet cheeks gave it away. She keeps her mouth shut and doesn’t say anything; not trusting how her voice would come out. 

From the way he looks at her in the rear view mirror, Yeri can tell he doesn’t buy it, but he doesn’t pry further and focuses his attention back on the road. 

It wasn’t his place to do so anyways.

She’s not going to lay out her whole life story to some stranger she’ll probably never see again in her life. There was no need to. 

She just needs a distraction from everything. 

From feeling. 

From the pain. 

From herself. 

From  _her_.

Everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Felt like writing a more angsty Yermseul than the usual fluff I do. Writing this hurt lol like seriously ouch....my heart....! OTL
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed it (even if it hurt a little bit lol)
> 
> Thank you for your time and take care of yourselves! :)


End file.
